I am trying not to go on about things, you know. But it would be true to say that I am not really getting any better. Feeling very tearful and missingy of children not to be had. I try not to go on about it because in the infertility crowd you always had to be careful of the "it's worse for us" types. No matter what happened to you — no follicles, no embryos, no pregnancy — it would always, for some reason that didn't really matter in the scheme of things, be worse for them. I guess they're they types who, if they have children, think that is harder for them than it is for other parents too. These people exist.
Still, it's good to share. It does me good. Here are three things I'd like to share with you.
1. My friends actually are the best friends in the world.
Recently, my friends have:
- offered their eggs to me
- bought all the favourite snacks I mentioned in an earlier post (crisps and mixed lollies and etc) and left them on my doorstep
- come over to my house and cooked me an amazing dinner and didn't let me do anything except sit in the kitchen and drink wine
- left a complete meal, including wine and chocolate, on our doorstep
- offered to borrow me their dogs
- booked us in for a massage
- rung me up and not got offended when I haven't rung back
- listened to me cry a lot
- made me laugh and laugh and laugh.
2. My medicine cabinet has changed.
It used to be full of IVF drugs and pregnancy vitamins and hope.
(Actually there aren't any IVF drugs there cause I already threw them all out.)
Now it is full of Valium and anti-depressants and sad-nods.
Yeah, I've plunged the anti-deppresso plunge. It's better, I think, than too much wine and Valium, which was how I have been self-medicating. Oh, it worries me. It worries me that it'll dull my UNBELIEVABLY INSPIRING AND GENIUS LEVEL creativity that — I know, I know — smooths the cotton bedclothes of your nights and spring-in-your-steps your days. I heard an interview with Edna O'Brien the other day in which she said, "Only unhappy people write." (I also heard an interview with Umberto Eco in which he said he wrote The Name of the Rose because, "at 48, you either run off with a chorus girl or write a novel, and my wife expressed a preference for the latter".)Wilcox actually wrote an article about this once. Anti-depressos and creativity I mean. He came to the conclusion that while it may be true that unhappy people write, they don't usually write when they are very unhappy. They know despair, but they do not write when they are in despair.
I take comfort from this.
3. I found some more cool street art near my place.
Yes, I know. There's one missing.
Now what would you would like to share with me?
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6 comments:
How exceedingly pleased I am to have found your blog and what a terrifically charming writer you are.
And a cuddle.
Goodness, thank you. It's particularly flattering as you're like a famous person in the blogging world.
And also in the cuddling world.
I'm so glad I've found your blog. You are awesome. It sounds as if you have wonderful friends IRL and I am so happy for that.
Go Zoloft Chicks!! Don't listen to your depression telling you that the pills will cut into your creativity and that it's not the real you coming out. I listened to that and you know what happened? Major depressive slides, two attempts and lots of not-goodness. The real you is the you on the pills.
I love you. I'm here if you need me. Smooches.
Ahh. Drugs. They can be good (I mean, very good) and they can be bad. Hoping they have the former effect on you.
Speaking of the Name of the Rose, I remember being exceedingly annoyed at the sprinkling of Latin - as if the person who dared to read his book better know their Latin or you lose whole freakin' sections! I wonder what his wife would have to say to that.
Your friends sound wonderful. By the way, no matter where you are in infertility, the feelings - if not the experiences - are pretty universal. So, we are all in that same boat. Don't feel as if you can't complain because you haven't gone through enough wretchedness first.
Jendeis, your feelings of awesomeness are completely reciprocated. Thank you so much for saying that — "the real you is you on the pills". I think you're right. I think I will find myself back there somewhere. In all honesty, I like the beauty in sadness, but it's so goddamn exhausting.
Mrs X, one look at your TWO blogs is enough to having me throwing my laptop across the room in pique and tears because you're so clever and deep and funny. But I think I'll just stalk you instead. Thank you for your comments.
Interesting you said that about the Latin in TNOTR. I thought the same thing when I first read it in 1927 or whenever it was. When I heard him on the radio (it was on the excellent BBC World Service book club — you can get it as a podcast through iTunes — highly recommended) someone asked him why all the Latin. He gave one satisfactory answer and one unsatisfactory answer. Firstly, he said (something along the lines of), "But no one has ever understood Latin. It is part of the Catholic experience to be bamboozled and excluded by Latin." I appreciated that. Then he said he thought books weren't challenging enough these days, and he wanted TNOTR to be challenging. Which I thought was bullshit, because there's a difference between intellectually challenging and actually incomprehensible, right?
My name is Stephen Long and i would like to show you my personal experience with Zoloft.
I am 40 years old. Have been on Zoloft for 2 years now. Zoloft certainly got rid of my depression and anxiety. It also helped me with sleeping and I did not gain any weight like others have. However I was younger when I tried this so perhaps my metabolism worked differently then. It was impossible to reach orgasm on this drug so I would sometimes delay taking my drug to give my body a mini wash out period and this helped. However, if I waited too long to take the tablet, I endured severe headaches and had to lie down. Fortunately, this was reversible as soon as I took the drug again. I eventually tapered off this drug thanks to my doctor's plan which worked perfectly. The main reason I gave up Zoloft is because at the time there were reports saying that long term use of it was dangerous.
I have experienced some of these side effects -
Sweatiness, loss of libido, EXTREME headaches if forget to take drug.
I hope this information will be useful to others,
Stephen Long
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